Alright, here’s the start of my campaign for President of FIFA. I'm pretty sure that Seppy is going to win this election, so I am banking on when he steps down in 2015. So, I have until 2015 to refine this list but, in all honesty, I can’t imagine it getting much better.
1. I’m already a Swiss citizen. No need for any work visas.
2. I’m not really that picky about how high above sea level games are played.
3. I can name, like 30%, of the member states.
4. My heritage is, like 30%, of the member states.
5. I am cuter than Platini, though he has (had) better hair.
6. I’ve already infiltrated their headquarters. It seems like a nice place.
7. My “Controversy” section on Wikipedia will be much shorter.
8. I look awesome in a powersuit or pencil skirt/cardigan combo, a must for a great president.
9. I’ll allow players to remove their shirts in celebration. In fact, I have a list of players who will be allowed to remove their shirts for the entire game. And by allowed, I mean enforced.
10. Fifa is right next to the Zurich Zoo and I love the Zurich Zoo. IT’S MEANT TO BE!
Anyway. That’s the plan so far. Below are pictures of me at FIFA so you can get a feel of how I will look as the head of soccer. Note how well I hold up the sign. And how well I kick an imaginary ball. Or dance, I am not really sure what’s going on there. Anyway they're of poor quality and they are literally pictures of pictures. I took them with my phone.
And I am holding up the signage FREE OF CHARGE. How's THAT for dedication?!
"boot!" (that's my go-to soccer noise).
Now, if that's not convincing enough, you're a jerk, but I am also versatile! Look at me support Italy:
Now look, I am for Switzerland!
Hey, here's Udinese!
Now Chelsea!
Finally TFC!
I bleed a rainbow! And have no bias of club or country.
Remember: Missio 2015.
Hopp,
scm. (2015).
I support Sonja Cori Missio's campaign to be elected President of FIFA in 2015.
ReplyDeleteJohn Doyle, Author
International Bestseller
The World Is A Ball: The Joy, Madness & Meaning of Soccer
("Football" in UK, Ireland & Croatia editions)
I am going to quote you on that! (and thanks!)
ReplyDeleteWe at Castleford Books enthusiastically endorse the candidacy of Ms Missioo.
ReplyDeleteOur Zurich branch has had personal experience of the unsuitability of Blatter. He has frequently shuffled into our store in his soiled Mackintosh coat and, winking at our admittedly comely sales staff, always asks for 'something in a sealed wrapper from the top shelf'.
We do not stock such periodicals, but I have personally tried to engage him regarding amendments to the laws of the game to better define the difference between shielding possession of the ball and obstruction. I find this particularly obtuse regarding corner kicks.
Blatter refused to communicate in a rational manner but made adjustments to his crotch (even when it was clear that nobody in the shop was about to take a free kick) and exited, cursing me in a Caribbean accent.
I support Sonja Missio as well.
ReplyDeleteOn the face it, there may appear to be bias in my endorsement as we are siblings. However, it should be remembered that this bid for power is within a FIFAn context and therefore all conflicts of interest or shady dealings are clearly invented by the minds of conspiracy-obsessed media types who worry about things like “goal-line technology” and “racism.”
Also, I would like it to be known I find the expression “I bleed a rainbow!” to be both copyright-worthy and, possibly, disgusting.
Erik Missio